


A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be

by E G Swift (GenGaspard)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, POV Erwin Smith, Pining, Reader-Insert, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, This takes place before Season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-24 10:55:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30071205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenGaspard/pseuds/E%20G%20Swift
Summary: You steadied your resolve. Humanity was more important than just one person, you could do this. You could take this heartbreak for the greater good. You silently absolved him of any duty to find you, in your way this would be your first and only gift to him: freedom from you. Freedom from the shackles of your love for him, so that he could fight for humanity’s sake.How cruel.Soulmate AU - the name of your soulmate appears as a tattoo on your wrist. Everything else is the same. In which you're a pianist, and Erwin is married to his job and you find each other anyway.
Relationships: Erwin Smith & Reader, Erwin Smith & You, Erwin Smith/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be

You idly trace the words written on your wrist. You’d committed them to memory long ago, but still found yourself captivated by them. Erwin Smith. The name of your soul mate.

How cruel.

Like all children and teenagers, you were so excited about finding your soul mate, mind swimming with possibilities. I hope he’s tall, I hope he’s handsome, I hope he adores me.

But you never met him. Not after blossoming into a beautiful young woman. Not after taking up interest in learning piano and singing. Not after your friend noticed your playing and offered you a permanent job performing at her bar.  
You never even heard his name in passing, and gradually you started to give up hope. 

Some things just weren’t meant to be.

So, you played your heart out, singing songs for the love you’d never have. Unable to look into the crowd, so you’d turned your back to them. The thought of seeing his face in the crowd, so close but so far out of your reach, was too much to bear. So, you kept your focus on the piano, the singing, the playing. Every night.

Your heart fluttered when you first read his name. Finally, after all this time. It was the headline in this week’s paper: Erwin Smith promoted to 13th Survey Corps Commander. You read that article every day for the first few weeks. It was finally something, some shred of hope that it wasn’t a fluke and the man whose name darkened your wrist was out there, somewhere. Tangible. Alive. 

You were there for his first expedition beyond the walls, just like many other citizens. Truthfully, you’d never had much interest in watching the scouts, until now, but you found yourself in the sea of people. Eagerly scanning the rows of horses and green cloaks.

Your heart nearly stopped when you saw him for the first time. Gods, he was gorgeous. Even from your vantage you could tell how tall he was. Blond hair neatly party and combed, strong features, and the most stunning blue eyes you had ever seen. He was everything. He shone brightly like the sun. And you might lose him before you even get to meet him, you realized. The mortality rate of expeditions was…bad.

This point was driven home by the whispers all around you. Talk of how this new commander wouldn’t change anything. How they should just shut the scouts down. How someone’s son had been unfortunate enough to die beyond the walls…  
Your heart squeezed, and you said a silent prayer that he would return safely. 

You were there when they returned, too. Beaten, bruised, morose, but alive. Whole…mostly. And you thanked the gods as you ignored the whispers. His features looked more ragged, the lines under his eyes deeper, exhausted. You wanted so badly to rush to him, to tell him…what exactly? Reassuring him? Anything to ease the hurt that was plastered across his face.

In fact, you started to before someone’s musings found you.   
“I sure am glad that Erwin Smith is the new commander, I heard the death toll went down significantly for this excursion. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have any distractions and can stay so focused. You know I heard he hasn’t found his soul mate yet, is it wrong for me to hope that never happens? That way he can devote all of himself to saving humanity. Maybe he could be our savior, maybe people will see the benefit of the Scouts with him at the helm.”

Your heart sank.  
Oh.

They had a point, and you froze. You would just be a distraction. You would get in the way. If he had his mind split between you and humanity…well. Humanity was more important, wasn’t it? Their goal of learning the truth and trying to save everyone from those damned Titans. That was more important. The needs of the many over the needs of the few, right? Humanity was more important than the night’s you’d soon spend crying yourself to sleep, or anxiously waiting for his return. It was more important than the heartache that would never go away, knowing you could never be together.

You steadied your resolve. Humanity was more important than just one person, you could do this. You could take this heartbreak for the greater good. You silently absolved him of any duty to find you, in your way this would be your first and only gift to him: freedom from you. Freedom from the shackles of your love for him, so that he could fight for humanity’s sake.

How cruel.

The years that followed went by rather uneventfully. You’d been there for every excursion, and every return, always sending silent prayers for his safe return. You scanned the newspapers, clipping every article that so much as said his name, keeping them taped around your vanity in the powder room behind the bar. A solemn reminder. You watched as he addressed the gathered crowds, booming voice echoing in your chest and reverberating around your mind long after he’d stopped speaking. You loved him from afar, and that had to be good enough. 

In all the world you only ever had eyes for him, and he was so far out of your reach.

This evening was the same as so many others. You sat at your vanity, putting your face on for tonight’s performance, trying not to reread those clipped articles for the thousandth time, when your friend approached you.  
She was tall and beautiful and quick of wit. You’d confessed to her your feelings for Erwin, and she’d supported your decision to stay away from him. She was the one who suggested pushing your piano against the far end of the stage, keeping your back to the crowd. You were so grateful to her.

“How was their return today ___?” she asked, placing her hands on your shoulders and looking at you in the reflection of the mirror.  
“Good. He looked good, whole. That’s as much as I could hope for.” You smiled weakly, remembering the somber and stoic look on his face.  
“And you’ve still not tried to even talk to him, huh?” 

“No, you know I won’t-I can’t.”

“But you could. It wouldn’t hurt to talk to him, even barring the soul mate thing. I know your heart bleeds for him. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of this stupid idea you got in your head that you’d just be a burden or a distraction or whatever. You’re just as important as his job, ____. You deserve to be happy…”  
You ignored the tightness in your chest.  
“Humanity is more important. His job is more important. It’s better this way.”

“Then why don’t you try to face the crowd tonight? If you’re so resolved to suffer alone then seeing his face could bring closure to you.”

Maybe, you mused. But as you imagined seeing him watching you play the songs that were for him-always for him-you felt tears stinging the back of your eyes. Not tonight. Seeing him in person left you feeling too raw, the temptation to reach out to him and confess everything was too great. You couldn’t maintain your distance if you saw him tonight.   
So, you kept your back to the crowd, just like every other night. And sang all the songs you’d written for him, about him, just like every other night.

How cruel.

\---

_**Erwin** _

He hadn’t intended on entering the crowded bar, even if it was a classier joint. Especially not since they’d just returned today, and he longed to rest his aching muscles and sore injuries. However, the divine sound that permeated the cool evening air drew him in. It was beautiful and sad, and he felt in his bones the melancholy of the words she sang. 

Standing far back, just inside the door, he scanned the room. People crowded around everywhere, drinking and talking, roars of laughter and amiable chatter filled the room. The lighting was dim, a single spotlight trained on the humble stage where sat a lone pianist with her back to the crowd. She played beautifully, singing words of love and loss and longing that flitted through the crowd. Some were captivated, others uninterested. But he…he was enamored.

Without realizing it he’d pushed his way to the stages, eyes fixated on her. She wore a sequined red dress that scooped low down her back, revealing just enough of her feminine curves to keep him trained on her. On the subtle motions and breaths as she played. She never once turned to greet him, but he watched her all the same; entranced.

How long did he stay like this? Long after the crowd had dispersed, and the bar was quiet. Only him, the barkeeper, a few meandering souls, and her. He stayed until she finished her set and exited the stage. He had to meet her. This alluring woman that had so captivated him, made all the worry and stress and pain melt away as he watched her and listened to her songs. He had to know her name.

The barkeep stopped him as he wandered towards the powder room.

“Sorry, sir. Employees only.”  
“Ah, apologies. Can I ask? Who is that woman?”   
She gave him a pained smile and led him to the now empty bar.   
“What are you drinking, Commander?”  
“So, you know me?” he questioned, quirking an eyebrow.  
“Sir, everyone in this bar knows you.”  
He scoffed, brushing it off as because of his status as Commander. “Whisky. Neat. Thanks.”  
She deftly poured him two fingers of the top shelf and slid it across the bar. Erwin downed the drink gratefully, letting the familiar burn take the edge off.  
“She is our little songbird. Lovely, isn’t she?”  
He nodded, “Yes but she…. she seems so melancholic.”  
“She is. All her life she’d dreamt of her soul mate, as most girls do, but over the last few years she’s given up hope, resolving herself to a life of solitude. My heart aches for her.”  
“I take it she’s shared the name with you?” He asked, idly thumbing the name on his own wrist.   
“Oh, yes sir. Even despite herself she still looks out for him. Talks about his work and accomplishments, prays for his safety…”  
“So, she does know him?”  
“Yes. He is in the public eye, but he does not know her,” she said, trying not to give away too much, “How could he? What are the odds that someone of his rank would find themselves in this place, anyway?”  
“If that’s true…why hasn’t she tried reaching out to him?”

She sighed heavily, “Commander,” she started, leaning in, “would you like to meet her? She plays here every evening. I could introduce you.”  
Erwin pondered this, tracing the rim of his glass with his thumb. It couldn’t hurt right? Maybe they’d find some common ground, there. After all he’d never met his soul mate either. Maybe they could come to keep each other company on lonely nights….he was getting ahead of himself.

“I have to return to work early. I’ve stayed way passed the time for me to retire. My next day off is Saturday, though. Could I arrange a meeting with her, then?”  
“Of course, sir. I’ll tell her you were interested in her playing and wanted to speak about the songs she’s written. She doesn’t often take visitors, but I’m sure she’ll warm up at that.” 

Erwin thanked her and left. He should have asked for her name, but it didn’t matter. Not really. He’d long since given up on finding the one, his job took priority over everything else, and it was better that way. It had to be. For Humanity's’ sake. 

But he did feel a twinge of regret for never having looked for her. Surely, she was lonely and didn’t deserve this. But he didn’t have a choice, he’d convinced himself he could suffer no distractions.

\---

_**You** _

Despite telling yourself you’d given up hope on him, you asked your friend every night if he was in the crowd. IF she’d seen a glimpse of him or heard his name on hushed whispers. Tonight was no different, though the tone in her voice when she denied you made you suspicious. 

You brushed it off, though. It was surely nothing. 

You would think you’d get tired of playing, since you do it every night, but when you returned home to your modest rental, you set about finishing up the song you were writing. A song for him, always for him. You planned on debuting it this Saturday, the busiest night of the week, so it had to be finished and refined by then.

You played long into the night, only making it to bed once the sun tipped over the horizon. Late nights were no stranger to you, especially since you kept bar hours.   
That night you dreamt of ocean-blue eyes.

The next few days passed uneventfully, just as they always did. You skimmed the newspaper for news on the most recent excursion, finding nothing. You finished your song in time for Saturday’s performance, and even picked out a special gown for the evening. 

Come Saturday you felt the familiar nerves of performing a new song for the first time. The gown you’d picked was a beautiful blue, it hugged your curves perfectly, making you look like divinity on earth. You’d chosen this specific dress because it reminded you so much of the color of his eyes. Erwin’s eyes. The eyes of the soulmate who wasn’t meant to be. 

You stared at your reflection where you sat at your vanity. Stupidly you hoped he’d be there tonight, like you did every night. And just like every night you told yourself he wouldn’t be, that to continue hoping against all odds was childish. That this was the way it should be: him protecting and serving humanity, and you keeping your distance and loving him from afar.

How cruel, this fate of yours. You eyed the name written across your wrist fought back the tears. After all these years he still made your heart bleed. He still made you crave him, long for him. You just couldn’t help yourself. You supposed that was what soul mates were supposed to do, anyway.

Like every night, you strode briskly on stage, making a point not to turn to the crowd. You made a show of elegantly sitting at your piano, just as always. 

\---

_**Erwin** _

Tonight was the night. The night he’d learn her name, talk to her, get to know the woman behind the piano. So alluring, so tragic. He wondered if he dressed up too much and removed the tie from his neck only to then retie it just to remove it again.  
He opted for a white button down, black trousers, dress shoes, and his bolo tie. Surely this would be enough, right? But he wanted their first moments together to be memorable. 

As he took in his reflection, he wondered why it mattered so much to him. It wasn’t like she was his soul mate. Right? It couldn’t be. Not here. Not now. Not after everything. 

The bar was even more crowded than last time, and he was grateful when the bar keep waved him over. She didn’t ask about his drink preferences, having remembered from before. He downed the whisky in a single drink, hoping that it would take the edge off the nerves he was feeling.

Let him fight a Titan or run a coup any day. But talking to a beautiful woman? That he had no experience with. That isn’t to say he wasn’t popular with women, he was. But he’d never given them more than a passing thought, always married to his work.  
Until now.

He’d never even seen her face, but her music-her songs- touched him deeply. He didn’t have to see her face or know her name to know that he would burn down the world for her. Soulmates be damned.

He watched her play, and as his eyes were trained on her, the sights, smells, sounds of the bar faded away. It was as if she were the only other person in the world, and he wouldn’t have had it any other way.  
It was nice to lose himself in something that wasn’t work, for once. 

The music stopped, luring him out of his trance. He’d made his way to the stage again, leaning against his elbow. 

“This last song,” she spoke. This was the first time he’d heard her speak, and it was just as stunning as her singing, “is dedicated to the man whose name marks my wrist. To the man who I know I can never have, who I have made peace with loving from afar. This song I wrote for him, about him, and I hope that some day my words will reach him. Thank you for listening to me play, tonight.” 

Her song started, dreamy and emotional. Her vocals were soft and powerful. She sang about watching him for such a long time, and how enraptured she’d been with the blue of his eyes. How his passion and drive not only made her fall more and more in love with him, but also how it broke her heart, knowing they could never be together. She sang about being afraid to feel this way, but that she wouldn’t have it any other way because despite it, she still loved him. 

As he watched her, he ignored the single tear that streaked down his cheek. He could feel the pain in her words. Feel the sorrow in her voice. He wanted to leap onto the stage and crush her against himself and kiss away all that melancholy.   
It was not lost on him that the man in the song had the same color eyes as him, though he didn’t have the mind to process that in the moment. 

He snapped back to reality when he saw her shudder.

\----

_**You** _

You couldn’t help it. This song you’d written for him, the words you’d sang, they still tugged at your heartstrings. The emotions behind it were still too raw, and as the song ended and the lights faded, you succumbed to the sobs that wracked your body. You prayed that nobody would see.

You steadied yourself, you didn’t want to show this kind of weakness to this size of crowd, and stood to leave. 

“Wait!” A voice called to you from the opposite side of the stage, stopping you in your tracks. It sounded so familiar…too familiar. Your heart leapt into your throat as you slowly turned around.

You audibly gasped when you saw his face. Erwin. The same Erwin you had been watching and loving and longing for. Your soulmate, Erwin. He’d called out to you, climbing on stage to jog over to you.   
Your mouth gaped as you tried to find words. Any words. What was he doing here? Why was he here, now? Did he listen to your song? Did he know you were his soul mate? So many questions flitted through your mind that you didn’t even notice the hush fall over the bar.

All eyes were trained on you two.

“I-“he started, looking down at you. He was so tall, gods so much taller than you could have imagined. He cleared his throat.  
“Why are you crying?” he said finally, reaching up to gently wipe away the tears that streamed down your face.  
You blinked, searching his eyes. The eyes you’d just sang about. 

“B-Because…” you drew in a shaky breath. How could you explain it all? Was now even the time for that? Why had he reached out to you so suddenly, anyway? You didn’t even really know what was going on.  
One thing could make him understand, you realized. One thing could say more than your words could.

You stretched your arm out to him, watching his expression change as he read his name on your wrist. His eyes widened in realization, his expression softening. The crowd was completely silent now, watching the scene unfold.

“You’ve been waiting for me,” he said softly, cupping your cheek and holding your hand, “All this time, you were here. And you’ve been waiting for me.”  
“Erwin,” you breathed, and your heart soared with the way he smiled at hearing his name on your voice.

Softly, gently, as if you were made of glass, he leaned into you, planting a ginger kiss on your soft lips. You melted into him, and you wanted nothing more than to get lost in him.   
The applause that ringed out through the bar startled you both out of your moment. They’d been waiting for this. There wasn’t a regular in this bar that didn’t know the name on your wrist, and your sense of duty to remain in the shadows. And there wasn’t a soul in this bar that wasn’t glad and relieved that you’d finally found each other.

Blushing, embarrassed, and giggling like schoolchildren, you and Erwin made your way off stage and into the powder room.

“We have a lot to talk about,” he beamed at you, making your heart flutter.  
“Yes, we do.” 

He didn’t tell you that the smile you gave him that night nearly brought him to tears.


End file.
